After vetoing a trade to send superstar point guard Chris Paul to the Lakers, and issuing an absurdly high asking price to block a trade to send Paul to the Clippers, NBA Commissioner David Stern has finally admitted to the media that he is in fact holding Chris Paul hostage in the basement of his Scarsdale, New York home.

Stern has assured league sources that Paul will remain safe and unharmed until his demands are met, which include five million dollars in small, unmarked bills, as well as a charter jet to take him to an as-of-yet undisclosed location outside of the continental United States.

“If my demands are met, Chris Paul will not be harmed in any way,” Stern told reporters during a press conference. “He is being given three square meals a day, but until I get my money and my jet, he is not going to play for anyone else other than the New Orleans Hornets.”

When pressed for proof, Stern showed a picture of that day’s New Orleans Times-Picayune next to Chris Paul hitting a mid-range jumpshot. Reporters further asked Stern to put Paul on the phone to confirm he was alright.

In the twenty seconds he talked to reporters, Paul said he was “confused” but otherwise unharmed, though he added, “I really don’t want to play for the Hornets this year.”

Jeff GoodSmith