Taking in a deep sigh of relief Sunday afternoon, Indianapolis Colts executives celebrated the team’s sixth straight loss, thus keeping their victory-less season in perfect order.
“Wow!” an exuberated chief executive, Bill Polian exclaimed. “That was your classic trap game against Cincy. I mean, they should beat us, but have such a littered history of massive meltdowns and chokes that I was sincerely worried they might let this one go. I almost considered taking Cedric Benson out on the town last night just to lock this sucker down.”
It’s common knowledge in Indianapolis circles that the team indeed plans to “Suck for Luck” in the wake of Peyton Manning’s devastating neck injury. Commenting on the team’s approach, current quarterback, Curtis Painter, all but revealed the scheme.
“Honestly, we know Peyton’s the team,” said Painter. “You know Peyton’s the team. I mean, c’mon, did you actually watch me play at Purdue? Ask any Boilermaker fan. If you want to win a key game, I’m not your guy. The writing’s on the wall.”
When asked to comment on the strategy to obtain and place his team’s entire hopes on Stanford quarterback, Andrew Luck, Polian brushed off the question stating.
“Really?” asked Polian. “I’m trying to address team needs here. Working to draft just one player, then propping up an entire house of cards around his skill set? That’s just crazy. You’re barking up the wrong tree on this one. There’s a larger scheme at play here.”
The team welcomes more certainty in its schedule with its week 7 opponent, the New Orleans Saints—evidenced by Painter’s remarks.
“Drew Brees … Now there’s a Purdue quarterback who can win,” said Painter. “Boy I’m sure looking forward to easily losing that one.”