After a week of tough negotiations, the Cubs and Red Sox are reportedly nearing an agreement that will send Theo Epstein to Chicago where he’ll assume the role of GM. The deal finally started moving forward when the Cubs added infamous fan Steve Bartman to the mix of cash and prospects going to Boston. Red Sox owner John Henry said Bartman will fill a valuable need with the club.

“After running [manager Terry] Francona and Theo out of town, we need a new scapegoat for future failures of the franchise,” said Henry. “We all know it can’t be me, because I just write the checks and take in the glory when we win. Someone’s got to take the blame when we lose and it’s not going to be me.”

Bartman has not been seen publicly since the fateful October 2003 evening when his legend began. Henry said once Bartman does surface, he will be allowed any front-row seat he’d like for big games at Fenway, preferably in areas where his interference with balls in play could dictate a contest’s outcome. Henry also said Bartman will be allowed into the spotlight at other times when the team is faltering.

“Interfering with balls in play is just one aspect in which we anticipate utilizing Steve’s talents,” said Henry. “If our players want to drink beer during games, then Steve will be the one serving it to them. If our players want to date each other’s ex-wives, then Steve will be the one wrangling phone numbers for them. The ways I can turn someone into a scapegoat knows no bounds.”