When LAPD officer Frank Smith arrived at Sean Avery’s Hollywood Hills home in the wee hours of Friday morning, the last thing he expected was to get his ass kicked, but that’s exactly what is alleged to have happened when Officer Smith confused the Rangers winger with figure-skater Brian Boitano.

While Avery was arraigned, Officer Smith gave his account of the previous night’s events.

“When my unit was called to Mr. Avery’s home for a noise complaint, I was made aware that it was the home of some sort of celebrity athlete, but I was not told which athlete,” said Officer Smith. “When I knocked on the door a pretty-lookin’ guy in a tight black T-shirt came outside, and I could see various ice-skating paraphernalia inside the house. Naturally, I thought of the only male ice-skater anyone’s ever heard of: Brian Boitano. But when I asked Avery if he was, in fact, Brian Boitano, he flew into a blind rage and assaulted me, calling me a ‘fat, little pig’ like I’m one of Alec Baldwin’s kids.”

Avery’s rage required an entire team of officers to contain it.

“It took six of us to get a hold of the situation,” said Officer Bill Jordan who was also present on the scene. “He kept yelling profanities, screaming, ‘I’m not a figure skater! I play hockey!’ What do I know about hockey? I live in L.A. They don’t even have hockey here, do they? At least Boitano won a gold medal. From what I hear this is the most postseason action the Rangers have seen in a long time. Suffice it to say, we had to pull a Rodney King on his ass.”

Avery could not be reached for comment, but his agent emerged from the Hollywood police station long enough to confirm that Avery was not, in fact, Brian Boitano. The agent had a black eye but refused to answer questions as to its provenance.

Wompah Keiner