Manhattan strip club Spearmint Hippo III was rocking once again this week as news of a new labor agreement encouraged NFL players to flood back to their unofficial home away from home. Dancers crowded the stage and “popped their booty” as some of the NFL’s most well-known players “made it rain,” showering the dancers with piles of $100 bills.
“A couple of days ago, I thought we were going to lose our lease,” said owner of the Hippo Anthony Scarlucci. “The players were all cutting back, selling their cars, spending time with their families, it was awful. But thanks to this new bargaining agreement, business is back, baby!”
“We were all hurting,” said a dancer named Sapphire as she shimmied down a pole. “Not only were we not getting guys in the champagne room, we couldn’t even get tips on the floor. Girls were going hungry. We thought we were going to have to go back to playing in the Lingerie Football League.”
“The lockout didn’t just affect the girls,” said DJ DurtyBurt. “It affected the entire industry, body lotion distributors, pole manufacturers, Frederick’s of Hollywood, Crystal, the Hideaway Inn across the street. There are a lot of people that rely on NFL players throwing money at strippers.”
“I’m about to get some!” shouted one player who asked not to be named due to simultaneous ongoing divorce and marriage proceedings. “The season doesn’t start for a couple of weeks, but my paycheck came today! It is on!”
The player fired several gunshots into the ceiling as he entered a secluded area known as the “champagne room,” but Mr. Scarlucci seemed unfazed.
“These are good all-American kids,” Mr. Scarlucci said. “They’ve been through a rough time. They deserve to cut loose.”