The Chicago sports world was rocked to its foundation Wednesday when uber-popular smut-raking blog Deadspin broke shocking news about Blackhawks star Patrick Kane, including that the young millionaire flies a discount airline.
“I was taking a break from surfing for athlete dong shots when I came across this crazy email about Kane,” said Deadspin’s Barry Petchesky. “Apparently he chooses to fly Southwest Airlines like a common peasant. Oh, and I guess he likes to hook up with moderately attractive young women. And there was photographic proof. Jackpot!”
Petchesky then dedicated nearly 300 words to Kane’s off-season exploits that included a shocking photo of a Southwest boarding pass with his name on it and pictures of Kane’s most definitely scandalous black eye and others of him sleeping after allegedly bedding a young Chicago woman, which everyone agrees is an absolutely insane premise.
“It was a slow news day,” said Petchesky. “There were no disgusting foot fetish videos of NFL coaches and their wives and certainly no athletes sending text message photos of their penises to ditzy sideline reporters we bamboozled, so the best we could come up with was an attempt to bury a young superstar millionaire who dares have fun during his off-season and then fly an airline that doesn’t even offer first-class seats. For shame Kaner. For shame.”