It’s no secret Ken “Hawk” Harrelson lives and dies with every White Sox loss or victory. Like Ron Santo was on the North side, Hawk is able to connect with fans because he’s a huge fan himself. Unfortunately, he’s also able to disconnect with fans when things don’t go the Sox way, sometimes pouting for two innings and berating the umpires for everything including which direction the wind is blowing in order to defend his beloved White Sox.

As a result, a Cook County District Court judge recently ordered Hawk to legally change his name to Homer due to his blind devotion to the team.

“I was watching the game on Saturday when the umpire made a questionable call and Hawk pouted for an inning and a half. He didn’t say much, except to blame the umpire for the team’s futility,” said Judge William Sherman. “It was after he blamed the umpire for his hot dog being cold that I decided I had enough.”

On Monday, Judge Sherman issued a court order for Hawk to change his name. From now on, Ken Harrelson will be known only as Homer Harrelson. Homer will be expected to be at the Secretary of State’s Office no later than Friday to get a new drivers license, and he must order new social security cards to reflect his name change.

“You’ve gotta be bleeping me,” said Harrelson when he heard the news. “I have a suspicious feeling those American League umpires are behind this one, too. I always knew they had corrupt judges and politicians in their pockets. Mercy!”

By Michael Kloempken

Michael Kloempken