In a sly move by the White Sox biggest rival, the Twins tricked the South Siders into signing a 14-year-old girl sharing the same name as reliever Jesse Crain for $13 million over the next three seasons. The Twins resigned the real Jesse Crain for considerably cheaper.
“This is what makes them piranhas,” said Ozzie Guillen. “We think they let their best bullpen guy go to free agency, they have his agent talk to Kenny, and next thing you know I’m stuck with some [expletive deleted] girl in middle school.”
Little is known about the Sox newest acquisition, but the Petersburg Junior High yearbook lists her favorite subject as math and her career goal as “becoming a veterinarian or at least working with animals.” She is expected to help fill a hole left by the departure of closer Bobby Jenks.
Some in the Sox organization view the Twins’ trickery as yet another sign of a highly functional organization.
“I’ll tell you what, from the top down the Twinkies know how to win,” said Hawk Harrelson. “Daggonit!”