The predetermined season outcomes of the next 90 years of pro baseball were made public after a custodian found notes from an Ancient Society of the Stonemasons meeting in the basement of Goldman Sachs’ corporate headquarters.
The Stonemasons’ reach is considerable: In addition to sports, prominent conspiracy theorists believe the organization controls currency exchange rates, all curricula at Ivy League universities, and the cover subjects of Us Weekly.
According to the document, the Cubs will finally break “the Curse” in 2087 with a World Series victory over the Havana Smokes (which will become the 72nd MLB franchise in 2065, the year after Cuba becomes the 53rd state).
By 2100, the Yankees will win 24 World Series more titles, the Yokohama BayStars will win 10, the Red Sox and Cardinals will each win seven, the Santo Domingo Lions will win five, and the White Sox will win two.
The Cubs 21st century tally will remain at one. Immediately after they get their championship in 2087, the team will enter a new drought due to a contrived curse involving a camel, an Italian beef sandwich and the cryogenically frozen head of Richard M. Daley.
From the May 2010 issue by Brian Summerfield. Click here to subscribe today!