Jerry Jones stunned the gathered media at Thursday’s Jason Garrett press conference to announce that he couldn’t let Garrett go–because he is Jones’ illegitimate love child.

“I know, I know,” an emotional Jerry Jones said. “Red-headed stepchild is very cliché, but in my case it’s true. I mean, look at him. See the resemblance? Why else would I give an assistant coach $3 million a year? I couldn’t bear to see him work on any other sideline but that of the Dallas Cowboys.”

Jones said he had a trailer-park tryst back in Arkansas, and he arranged for Garrett’s dad–and Jerry’s longtime friend–Jim Garrett to take care of Jason.

Jones said that’s why he had Jason as the backup quarterback to Troy Aikman in the 1990s, and why he hired him first after Bill Parcells announced he was leaving the Cowboys after the 2006 playoffs. Jim has also been a long-time Cowboys employee.

“He reminds me of me,” Jones said, describing Jason. “And like a very wise wide receiver said once, ‘I love me some me.'”