Former Minnesota Timberwolves guard and noted coach-choker Latrell Sprewell ducked into the St. Mary Magdalene soup kitchen last week and was scolded by volunteer staff for trying to steal a five-gallon pot of minestrone.

“I saw this dude pull into the lot driving a 2005 Humvee, looking like Pippi Longstocking on steroids,” said Curtis Johnson, a homeless former steelworker. “Now running into down-on-their-luck celebs is nothing new at Mary Magdalene. I’ve seen Mike Tyson drop a dude here in a scrap over a Diet Coke. But this has to be the first time I seen a former athlete try and run off with the food.”

Sprewell resurrected his career after choking then-Golden State coach P.J. Carlesimo in 1997. He most recently drew fans’ ire over a contract dispute with Minnesota, complaining that he had “a family to feed.” Last season, he signed a two-year deal, which would have paid him $14.6 million the first year. Sprewell left Minnesota early this season. Parish nun Sister Jean Ann threw a hip check into Sprewell at the kitchen’s door, allowing volunteer food server Latonya Wright an easy steal of the steaming vat of soup.

“Seriously, Sister, I have to feed my family,” Sprewell reportedly told the nun during the confrontation.

heckler editorial staff