Thank you, Barry Bonds. Now I may have company in the “this guy is such a jerk, we won’t elect him to a Hall of Fame that already has Ty Cobb as a member”-class of MLB greats. If you want to grab lunch sometime, give me a call. We can discuss ways to get back at Selig. I’ve always been a big fan of flaming bags of dog poop on his doorstep, but I’m open to suggestions. In the meantime, let’s gamble!

2 – NBA Championships the Bulls will win if they maintain a philosophy of only making trades with the Knicks.

15,000 – Over|Under in U.S. dollars on Kerry Wood’s pay per pitch this season.

456 – Number of times before the All-Star break Bob Brenly will remind viewers that Prior and Wood are just starting to reach their enormous potential.

456 – Number of times before the next commercial break Steve Stone will remind listeners that Prior and Wood have not reached their potential.

26 – Number of days before Steve Perry’s honorary White Sox World Series ring is put on eBay to pay for choreographed guitar dancing lessons from C.C. DeVille for Journey’s upcoming state fair tour.

90 – Percent chance someone will actually buy that ring because they mistake him for Joe Perry of Aerosmith.

2:1 – Ratio of Chicago-based WNBA fans to remaining Blackhawk fans

2 – Number of Chicago-based WNBA fans

heckler editorial staff