Jay Cutler doesn’t really recall much about the last time the Bears played the Giants. The only thing he can remember is that was pummeled by someone on every other play and that he thought he was someone else for five minutes after being taken out of the game.
“When they asked me if I knew who I was, I told them I was Chino Moroni, a pimp from the South Side of Chicago,” said Cutler. “I told him I had to get back to my girls, but I soon snapped out of it.”
After the poor performance the Bears’ offensive line showed during its first preseason game, Cutler is worried something worse might happen this time with the Giants. That’s why he’s created a will that will direct where all of his assets go should one of the Giants’ linemen break through his weak offensive line, throw him to the ground and end his life out on the field.
Cutler’s already called his parents to say good-bye, made amends with his celebrity ex-fiancee and took a trip to Six Flags with best buddy Greg Olson before the game in case something drastic happens.
“I just want to make sure I have everything covered and that I’ve said all of my good-byes,” said an unusually emotional Cutler. “I even went to church today and said a few prayers.”
Cutler was even seen smiling at training camp, signing a bunch of autographs for confused fans.
“Usually Cutler scowls and throws water at us when we ask for an autograph,” said Gary Benson, who has tried numerous times to get the mercurial quarterback’s signature for his son. “He must really be trying hard to make up for all the times he was such a jerk to everybody.”