Authorities have arrested Florida Panthers GM Dale Tallon after the former Hawks exec reportedly tried to clone half a dozen Chicago players using DNA obtained from stolen practice equipment.

Tallon began meddling with cellular cloning after the Hawks refused to trade him Jonathan Toews and Patrick Kane. Not content with solid but unremarkable ex-Hawks like Kris Versteeg, Tomas Kopecky, Jack Skille and Brian Campbell, the diabolical Panthers GM set up a “Frankenstein-like” lab in the basement of the BankAtlantic Center.

“Yeah Johnny Boyyyyyyyyyy!” Tallon cackled maniacally as police dragged him away. “He’s aliiiive! Stanley! Stanley!”

Indeed, authorities found four gestating Toews heads in jars of formaldehyde in the lab, along with “most of a Marian Hossa” and a wall completely covered in “patches of Patrick Sharp’s flowing black locks,” according to a female officer.

It’s not yet known what will happen to the monstrous creations, but Sharks GM Doug Wilson has already left numerous messages saying he’d gladly adopt the cloned Hawks regardless of their condition.

By George Ellis. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte

Heckler George