Having already trusted various friends and relatives with key roles they don’t deserve, Bears head coach Lovie Smith turned to his 78-year-old Aunt Gertie to oversee the team’s secondary.

“They let me gift a job to my son and keep Bob [Babich] on board despite terrible job performance, so I figured that meant I could hire more people who don’t belong in the organization,” said Smith as he helped his Aunt Gertie to the podium. “Auntie G will oversee the development of the team’s defensive scheme, except after 4 p.m. on Thursdays, when she has her weekly knitting club with the girls.”

Despite Gertie’s stunning lack of football knowledge and senile tendencies, the septuagenarian will be paid $155,000 this season.

“This microphone is too high,” she complained. “My … look at all you people!”

Added Gertie: “Are my programs on yet?”

By George Ellis. Photoshop by Pat Lamorte

Heckler George