The Bay

"On the basketball court I'm lobbing up 20 to 25 shots a game so I don't have to worry about playing defense," said Ellis. "But in this case they're the ones who are lobbing shots my way, but instead of shots, it's damning evidence like copies unsolicited cell phone photos of my penis that I sent to a woman who worked for the team."

Giants fans throughout the country have been in complete shock this off-season as GM Brian Sabean has so far restrained himself from signing a washed-up guy in his 30s or 40s.

"It's disappointing but we had a great run," said PG Derrick Rose. "I'll never forget that great comeback win we had against the Lakers a day earlier in the season opener."

"Hands down Alex is the best QB the Niners have ever had," said Yerkes minutes after Smith rallied San Francisco to a thrilling last-minute win over the Saints in Saturday's NFC Divisional playoff game. "I can't imagine anyone else in the history of the scarlet and gold I'd rather have leading our team on a final drive in a playoff game than Alex."

"This is not something we condone," said Papa John's in a press release. "We expect all of our employees to adhere to strict company standards. It is clear that John Harbaugh is the second best coach in the family. We expect our employees to accurately reflect the accomplishments of our customers.

“None of my guys or Jim’s guys were ready to have our seasons end just yet.” said John. “But due to some NFL rules that only allow teams to play in the Super Bowl if they win their playoff games even if they're coached by a Harbaugh brother, we had to make some adjustments.”