"I am the man," said Howard for the millionth time in his NBA career. "And as the man, I want to remain the man, no matter where I go. Derrick Rose is okay, but he's not the man. So if the man goes to Chicago, then he will remain the man and take the last shot every single game."
“I am very excited to be the Tool of the Year,” Howard said. “Being a tool comes very naturally to me, much like the game of basketball. It looks like a lot of work, but I have simply been blessed with a nauseating persona and insufferable demeanor."
Reportedly, the murder was arranged by Nets' Russian owner Mikhail Prokhorov who presumably used his contacts in the Russian mafia to have Stern "taken out" for not forcing Otis Smith and the Magic to trade Dwight Howard to New Jersey by the trade deadline last week.
The Orlando Magic have announced they are close to signing former superstar center and current NBA analyst Shaquille O'Neal as their next GM, pending approval of a clause from O'Neal's representation demanding that he be allowed to go to the office dressed in the same genie outfit he wore in the 1996 box office flop, Kazaam.
As word of a four-team trade that will bring Dwight Howard to the Lakers spread, the now former Magic center breathed a sigh of relief that his long, drawn-out relocation process had finally ended.