Magic center Dwight Howard has been named the Craftsman “Tool of the Year,” narrowly beating out a power drill and a table saw for the coveted award. Howard, who has hedged for days on his plans to opt out of his contract or remain with the Magic, accepted the honor with open arms.
“I am very excited to be the Tool of the Year,” Howard said. “Being a tool comes very naturally to me, much like the game of basketball. It looks like a lot of work, but I have simply been blessed with a nauseating persona and insufferable demeanor. With all due respect to the runner-ups, I am way more of a tool than they will ever be.”
Representatives for the table saw said that the saw was humble and contrite in its loss.
“We thought we had a shot until we saw that we were going up against Dwight Howard,” said Bill Mason, table saw spokesman. “The decision by the tool committee was really a no-brainer, much like last year’s decision to give the award to LeBron James. Nevertheless, the table saw is beginning to worry about the integrity of the award, as the previous two winners are starting to give tools a bad name.”
To celebrate his Tool of the Year victory, Howard planned a party at a trendy nightclub. He then cancelled the booking, but later he told friends that he would like to party after all. The status of the celebration is still up in the air with Howard’s desire to party described as “kind of meh.”
“Brilliant move,” said a power drill spokesman. “Dwight clearly is already scheming to win next year’s award, too.”