Miami

“If you’re blind or have your eyes closed, this is a non-issue,” said owner Jeffrey Loria. “We really think people are getting bent out of shape about a problem that only affects 99% of the population.”

Mike Piazza was curiously on hand with the Marlins when they closed out their season last week despite playing only five games with the franchise back in 1998. Piazza later confirmed his reason for visiting Sun Life Stadium was to announce that should he be elected to the Hall of Fame when eligible in 2012, he will enter as a Marlin.

Sox manager and profanity machine Ozzie Guillen announced Monday night that he would be leaving the team to accept a similar position with the minor-league Miami Marlins.

LeBron James has picked up a new game during the ongoing NBA lockout – McDonald’s Monopoly. As depicted in a new commercial, LeBron defied one-in-four odds and won a free large fries, and thought it best to feed the hungry at his Miami based soup kitchen.

In the wake of the Broncos’ 18-15 overtime victory against hapless Miami this weekend, the Dolphins have announced Sun Life Stadium will be turned into a holy shrine and no longer used for football.

In what seemed to be inevitable, Mets shortstop Jose Reyes signed a six-year, $102 million contract with the Miami Marlins. Mets' GM Sandy Alderson came clean late Sunday night, admitting he completely forgot free agent signing season had begun.

Employing the same formula that brought them championships in 1997 and 2003, the Miami Marlins announced that they have signed free agents Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Ryan Madson and immediately began planning the fire sale that has shortly followed those two World Series titles.