Chicago

"Before the transplant I was always doubting myself and being kind of a wuss," said Benson. "But now that I have this thick, lustrous mustache, I can do anything! It's only been on my face two days, and I've already demanded a promotion and had sex with the hottest woman in the office."

For years, commuting Chicagoans have been greeted by the unwelcoming smile of former Bears linebacker, Brian Urlacher in a series of billboards along the Dan Ryan.

"It's really easy," said Urlacher. "You just take thousands of blades of grass from healthier areas of the field and insert them one-by-one in the bare areas."

There is only one main priority for the President of the United States right now, and that’s trying to restore order to the Bears locker room. With no end in sight to this internal...

6 – Chicago Bears Bear Downs beat Team Hardknocks 24-21 as Jay Cavallari hits his best bro Brandon Marshall for winning score. My boy “Peanut” Tillman ambushed Bengals by just grabbing the ball out of the air instead of his “Peanut Punch” which I taught him.

In the latest incident, at least two recycling bins and a hanging plant were tossed into the parking lot of a building housing a hot yoga business.

Having not been relevant since 1993, and still subscribing to the notion that people actually care what the mouthpiece of a corrupt corporate parent company prints, The Wall Street Journal must at long last contemplate the only thing that can restore the venerable news institution to its former glory: destroying its headquarters.