There is only one main priority for the President of the United States right now, and that’s trying to restore order to the Bears locker room. With no end in sight to this internal NFC North conflict, other lesser priorities such as Ebola, ISIS and Ukrainian separatist rebels will all have to take a backseat, at least until the Monsters of the Midway can learn to stop fighting amongst one another. A solemn John Kerry was dispatched to Halas Hall knowing full well that there can be no long-lasting peace unless we achieve peace in the Bears locker room.

The conflict originated Sunday after the Bears dropped another home game, this time to the Miami Dolphins. Directly after the game Bears players took to yelling at one another, most notably criticizing the lack of team offense. Of note was Brandon Marshall who was angry at QB Jay Cutler not just because the Bears only scored 14 points, but also because he was thoroughly convinced that Cutler had secretly downloaded all those new U2 tracks onto Marshall’s iPhone.

An sequestered John Kerry assessed the situation through binoculars from Timothy O’Tooles Pub, all while protected by several layers of concrete, plexi-glass and a drunken human shield of Delta Kappa Frat Brothers from University of Chicago.

“I thought the situation in the Middle East was grave, but nothing has prepared me for what I have seen today,” said Kerry after his visit to Halas Hall. “With that said, if I can get Palestine and Israel to the negotiating table, I think I can get at least get Brandon Marshall to stop yelling at Robbie Gould for a few minutes.”