Chicago

“With Lockout Edition, you generate points on what a player does off the field, instead of on it,” said an ESPN.com representative. “Points will be awarded based on players who get charged with a DUI, murder, rape, possession of a firearm, possession of a controlled substance, animal cruelty, and so on.”

“I just couldn’t stand all those other wines,” pouted La Russa. “None of them tasted like I wanted them to. Some were too oaky, others too bitter. After a lot of crying and some pretty serious soul-searching, I decided to just start making my own wine."

The almighty lords of baseball patted themselves on the back this afternoon after finding yet another way to put the hurt on Cubs fans: by forcing them to endure a sweep at the hands of the last place Astros – while watching the crosstown rival White Sox sweep Boston.

“I was worried some of the players weren’t going to show up this year because of all the talk about them being cash-strapped,” said Wilf. “But it turns out their giant signing bonuses and outrageous salaries were enough to keep them owning yachts despite this short work stoppage.”

Not satisfied by the six large bear claws he’d already eaten, Astros outfielder Carlos Lee has taken a Wrigley field employee hostage until “someone gets him another dozen damn donuts.”

“I’ve seen statues move faster,” said the head groundskeeper. “I want the Cubs to win and all, but frankly, it makes my job a whole lot easier when Ramirez is playing, or standing, at third base. I love the guy!”

“I knew I shouldn’t have turned the game on after eating that second slice of pizza,” said Lakeview resident Rob Roman. “I just thought with Marmol and a 2-run lead, I’d be safe. Instead, here I am, wiping pepperoni off the plasma screen again.”