Chicago

Bettman made the announcement from a limousine in downtown Vancouver that was being rocked back and forth by a few dozen local hooligans Wednesday night.

As the architect of a complete team failure, most would think Jim Hendry might spend his days weeping quietly while hiding in the bathroom, but he just can’t help himself from crowing about Carlos Pena’s .200+ batting average. “Everybody said he’d be lucky to hit .200. You reporters, you fans, you ‘baseball experts.’ Even Carlos himself said it."

"Sure, the weather may be crummy some days, but there's so much we can do inside," you wife said, nearly delusional with giddy. "Instead of the usual January tradition--following 16 NFL games, hoping a Fantasy team can make the playoffs--we can spend that entire day giving the kitchen a good, hard cleaning. I mean really attacking it."

Former Cy Young winner and perpetual train wreck Dwight Gooden has signed with the Cubs through the end of the season to give their much maligned starting rotation some depth.

“I talked to Quade and he agreed," said Cubs GM Jim Hendry. "Nobody knows Wrigley like the Kraft Noodle. Even with Soriano back, Krafty is our best option out there in terms of pure fielding ability.”

Did you know the average tray of ballpark nachos contains a heart-wrenching 1,700 milligrams of sodium? Figure in the saturated fat and cholesterol, and it’s a wonder anybody leaves the stadium alive. That’s where we seagulls come in.

The embarrassment that is the 2011 Chicago Cubs baseball campaign took a sordid turn for the worse this week when Clark Dweeble, Director of Social Media, didn’t realize the team’s official Twitter account had been compromised.