Chicago

The Minnesota Vikings might have a new quarterback, but it doesn't change much in the NFC North.

In a surprising move that will have far reaching statistical and historical implications, Major League Baseball has decided to officially change the name of receiving three strikes in an at-bat from "strikeout" to "DunnSwing."

"It was a difficult decision," GM Jim Hendry said before snickering and pausing to regain his composure. "But we felt it was in their best interest to ... I'm sorry, I can't, I can't even keep a straight face, you guys!"

Let's face it. We're all going to give up on the 2011 Cubs as soon as the NFL regular season starts. That's why you should join The Heckler's Unbelievable Cubs-Brewers Roadtrip of 2011 on Friday night, Aug. 26. Everyone who joins gets a ticket in our group of front-row bleacher seat at Miller Park, round-trip bus transportation from the North Side to Miller Park, a professionally catered tailgate and all the beer you can possibly consider consuming.

“Coach approached the mound, asked if I was okay and I said ‘I’m fine,’” said Dempster. “And then he goes, ‘But are you okay?’ and I’m like, ‘Aren’t they the same thing?’ He said no, which I disagree with, but I wouldn’t call it a fight.”

The Cubs have traded Kosuke Fukudome to the Cleveland Indians. What do you think The Heckler headline should be?

“We were all hurting,” said a dancer named Sapphire as she shimmied down a pole. “Not only were we not getting guys in the champagne room, we couldn’t even get tips on the floor. Girls were going hungry. We thought we were going to have to go back to playing in the Lingerie Football League.”