Chicago

"While I sympathize with teams such as the Phillies, whose once insurmountable divisional leads have vanished due to this error, it truly was a godsend for our squad," said Cubs Manager Mike Quade. "I always said it would take a miracle for us to make the playoffs, and it looks like we got it."

After the Hawks made a series of substantial roster moves at the end of the last two seasons, the rich, hearty mustache of coach Joel Quenneville is now the only remaining contributer left on the team that won the 2010 Stanley Cup.

“I have been fortunate to build a trusting relationship with the Ricketts over the past two years, despite my signings of Carlos Silva and John Grabow,” said Hendry. “Only as a last resort, like when I ink a guy like Rodrigo Lopez, do I have to pull out the photos of Tom robbing that Chase Bank over in Uptown to keep my job.”

"Safety is our No. 1 priority," said Bears CEO George McCaskey. "Safety, and giving Devin Hester a competitive advantage under the new kick-off rules. Flubber meets both our goals."

Recently retired Cub Carlos Zambrano wasted no time making the transition to retiree by purchasing a town home at the Palm Vista Active Adult Community in Coconut Grove, Florida. The 30-year-old former hurler has settled in the retirement village and, just like his playing days, is generating buzz everywhere from the horseshoe pit to the room where everyone waits for the mail.

"I just want Z to know I fully support his decision to retire," said Hendry. "In this economy, to be able to retire at the age of 30 really is something. Way to go Big Z!"

After giving up five home runs and being ejected in Atlanta on Friday night, Carlos Zambrano reportedly cleaned out his locker and decided to retire. What do you think The Heckler headline should be?