The Bears and the Chicago Park District reached an agreement today to replace Soldier Field’s natural grass turf with Flubber. Grass is considered more forgiving than artificial surfaces, but the sod at Soldier Field had come under close scrutiny of late, with the Bears accusing the park district of not maintaining a safe, playable field.

“Safety is our No. 1 priority,” said Bears CEO George McCaskey. “Safety, and giving Devin Hester a competitive advantage under the new kick-off rules. Flubber meets both our goals.”

Flubber, or “flying rubber,” was  invented in 1961 by Professor Ned “Absent-Minded” Brainard. Flubber absorbs impact and responds by releasing even greater energy, allowing people and materials to bounce unnaturally high. Previous applications of Flubber were limited to helping the local high school basketball team win the big game, but the material was deemed commercially not viable due to its fictional qualities. Recent breakthroughs in Bears fans’ willing suspension of disbelief, however, such as trusting that off-season roster moves have improved the team, has revived the stock of this forgotten Disney product.

“Oh, yeah. This is going to be huge,” Hester told the press. “I, like, just have to grab the kickoff and take one jump and, bam, I’m 26 feet over the heads of those suckers!”

Bears quarterback Jay Cutler also spoke highly of Flubber’s potential.

“It totally opens up new range for my receivers,” said Cutler. “I’ll be able to throw the ball intentionally well out of their range and they will still be able to pull it down, if they time their jumps right.”

The Park District hopes to have the new Flubber turf installed for the second pre-season game at Soldier Field on Sept. 1, but the head groundskeeper said the process could take longer if Flubber “needs to be watered or something really difficult like that.”

Cary Nathenson