Chicago

"I would proceed with caution both when approaching a most likely intoxicated Benson in an Austin bar and when considering drafting him for my fantasy league," said Yahoo! Sports Fantasy Football Reporter Cody Findlay. "He's a bit of a wild card, both drunk and sober."

“I realize we’re eating a lot of salary with these moves, but let’s face it, all three phases have been stinking up the joint,” said GM Jerry Angelo. “We’ve had our eye on Fudwanker since Junior Peewee ball, and he brings a lot to the table.”

Intoxicated by the success of his favorite baseball team and the 15 Miller Lites he consumed while watching them sweep the Cubs this weekend, Wisconsinite Andy Maliszewski made the bold claim Sunday afternoon that Midwestern state was the center of the sports universe at that very moment.

“Babies at a very young age can sense a traumatic moment in their life,” said the family's doctor. “Little Michael was perceptive enough to understand for his entire life he would be associated with the tragedy of this team.”

Do you know this guy? He's wearing a Cubs jersey and went nuts after Milwaukee's Corey Hart hit a homer at Miller Park Saturday night. We'd like to ask him a few questions.

Tom Brady felt he had little to worry about after the NFL Network forecasted his 2011 outlook as “strong” simply for nurturing his punishing good looks during the offseason.

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."