In the wake of some shaky pre-season play, the Bears signed 12-year old national Punt, Pass & Kick champion Timmy Fudwanker to a 10-year contract and immediately cut QBs Jay Cutler and Caleb Hanie, kicker Robbie Gould, and punter Adam Podlesh.

“I realize we’re eating a lot of salary with these moves, but let’s face it, all three phases have been stinking up the joint,” said GM Jerry Angelo. “We’ve had our eye on Fudwanker since Junior Peewee ball, and he brings a lot to the table.”

Fudwanker has been known to throw the football 40 yards, often with a recognizable spiral. Hang time on his punts tops out at 3.5 seconds, and his placekick accuracy from 20 yards out is around 50 percent, but even he can reach the end zone on kickoffs given the NFL’s new rule.

“I’ll take those numbers all day on Sundays,” Angelo said, seemingly unconcerned that Fudwanker is just barely five-feet-tall and his voice cracks hoarsely when he calls out signals.

Asked if he’s up to the challenge of memorizing Mike Martz’s playbook, the B+ student admitted he’s most comfortable “drawing plays up on my hand” and usually just sends everyone deep.

To help Fudwanker read blitzes, the Bears are requesting the NFL competition committee to see if the “immediate rush” rule could be changed to a “five-one-thousand”-count.