Chicago

"I've seen people wearing shirts that say Jesus hates both the Packers and the Bears, so I consulted His Holiness for clarification in my prayers this morning," said O'Malley. "Through His graciousness and kindness, Jesus replied to me that it's the Packers, not the Bears, that bear the weight of his scorn and hatred."

“We have to protect Jay [Cutler],” said Martz. “And what better way than the triple-flea-flicker-draw? First you think it’s a run, then a pass, then a run … then wait, Jay has it again? Finally Forte runs it right up the gut. Now that’s what I call balance.”

Green Bay linebacker Clay Matthews has announced that on Sunday, for the second time in his life, he will braid his hair into pigtails. The previous braiding was done for some glamour shots he took back in college.

Green Bay native Lenny Jensen briefly despised something more than the Chicago Bears this morning when he logged onto Facebook for the first time since its latest redesign.

“It’s been clear for a while now that Alfonso is vastly overpaid for his mediocre contributions on the field,” said owner Tom Ricketts. “So we decided to kill three birds with one stone and see if he can earn his keep by playing, managing and, uh, GM-ing.”

The Packers won their 13th championship and fourth Super Bowl last season, a fact most of America doesn’t believe is enough to change their nickname for Green Bay from “Armpitville” to ‘Titletown.”

“I know the addition of a cape necessarily makes bad guys fear you,” said Toews. “But I feel that it would blow my cover as a regular-looking guy who also might punch you in the mouth. Unless it’s an invisibility cloak. But I haven’t heard anything about that.”