Chicago

Fans were shocked to see Koyie Hill back in a Cubs uniform last month after a bevy of injuries to the team’s cadre of catchers. Signed off the Reds’ double-A scrap heap, Hill, who has a lifetime average of .210, eight home runs and seven workable fingers, was just shocked himself to find out that he was wanted back in the Windy City.

"Dempster is brilliant when it comes to pitching," said Cubs President Theo Epstein, "but he really needs to work on his practical jokes. He's been dry for sometime now."

“Like Al Capone, ’Big Paulie’ is known to carry a baseball bat, his weapon of choice to carry out his many hits. He’s also known as the ‘Captain’ among his hitmen.”

"I don't understand what this guy has to do to get some recognition," said Cubs fan Mitch Campanella. "He can hit for power and walk on water, I think his WAR is already at like 300! Outrageous!"

“I just don’t get him,” said booth partner Steve Stone, who has tried to play against Harrelson. “Once he tried to put in ‘canocorn,’ and I told him that wasn’t a word. But when I explained that he could just change the word to ‘corn’ and get some points, he got really argumentative and wouldn’t do it.”

“Man, things are tough all over,” Forte said. “This recession’s really hitting me hard. All I got to my name is a three-bedroom condo in Streeterville, a 4,000 square-foot oceanfront house in South Beach, a gated-community residence in Atlanta next to a golf course, and 17 cars — five of which are used."

"No way, no how," said LaHair. "I'm having a decent season, but it's by no means an All-Star season. It's probably some elaborate prank Dempster's putting on me."