Major League Baseball was rocked with the surprising news that Chicago White Sox All-Star 1B Paul Konerko was officially indicted on federal charges. He is being accused of committing crimes related to the Racketeering Influenced and Corrupt Organizations (RICO) Act.
“We have it on good authority that we just nabbed the ringleader of the infamous Chicago Outfit,” said a spokesman for the FBI with permission to discuss the federal case.
When asked what evidence there was to substantiate the accusations, the FBI spokesman added:
“Okay, we don’t actually have any physical evidence yet per se, but here’s what I can share with you. We have recent documented accounts of increased hits and bombs on the South Side of Chicago. Word on the street is that this offensive activity starts with Konerko.”
“Like Al Capone, ’Big Paulie’ is known to carry a baseball bat, his weapon of choice to carry out his many hits. He’s also known as the ‘Captain’ among his hitmen.”
“That brings us to ‘Big Paulie’s’ closest known associates. You have an ‘A-bomb’, and probable ties to Cuba in the ‘Tank’ and the ‘Missile’. There’s an Escobar in there. We think the ‘Jakemeister’ may be involved in German organized crime.”
“Now look at A.J. – literally, look at him. We actually think he could be A.J., the son of Tony Soprano. All of Konerko’s hitmen, these Southside Hitmen if you will, have been carrying out his ordered hits all summer on the likes of Justin Verlander, C.J. Wilson, and Jered Weaver.”
A stoic and unflappable Konerko responded to the accusations.
“I’m just focused on baseball right now and our 1st place ballclub,” he said. “Though I recognize the severity of these charges. Maybe if the charges dealt with alleged PED usage, I could breathe easier. We know no one ever gets convicted on anything related to steroids.”