Chicago

The NFL has taken notice, placing a color-coded schedule on players' wrists telling them what date it is, and if their team is playing.

Bulls fans began touting the recent rise in production of Joakim Noah, Carlos Boozer, and Jimmy Butler, snapping their fingers while moving in synchronous box-step formation.

With the help of an August 23, 2012, arrest for driving under the influence, former Chicago Cubs first baseman Mark Grace has officially topped the .300 plateau in lifetime breathalyzer average.

"We're actually glad about the scandal," said a spokesperson. "We usually have no idea what's in our meat. I assumed it was squirrel or possum or something. But now that we know it's horse, well, that opens up a bunch of creative avenues we never would've explored."

"This is Sir Pointy Head," said Lewis, referring to the elk he was riding Saturday evening as part of a promotional stunt to mark his retirement. "We couldn't find a deer on such short notice...but his antlers are similar to the ones we used to harvest the topical spray that has held my body together since 2010."

"We were heading through security as usual," said coach Joel Quenneville. "Next thing I know half a dozen mounties ride into the terminal and put [goalie] Ray Emery in cuffs."

“I can remember watching Sid Luckman run the T in the 1940 NFL championship game at Wrigley Field,” said 91-year-old Wally Maynard, a longtime Bears fan who lost eight fingers and part of a foot to frostbite as he watched Chicago trounce the Washington Redskins 73-0.