Chicago

"It's a tradition we started a few years back to let off a little steam during the middle of the season," said Zaidman. "It's just a bunch of carefree adults of all shapes and sizes hugging, rubbing, touching and loving each other."

“Man, my life is great,” Peppers told ChicagoBears.com in his first interview since the erstwhile Pro Bowler decided to mail it in just after the first preseason game earlier this year. “I spend extra time in the whirlpool at Halas Hall, get at least one massage per day, and two or three times each week, I meet Urlacher for lunch at Chipotle.”

"Shots to the knees shorten careers while headhunting leads to long-term CTE issues," said NFLPA executive director DeMaurice Smith. "But your testicles? What's the worst that can happen, low sperm count?"

"I must admit after kicking butt for the first two periods, we're thinking about which bar or strip club we're going to after the game, then we come out flat for the third," said Patrick Kane.

“The move just made too much sense,” said Bears GM Phil Emery. “We needed a top-notch defensive mind, and Thibs was right down the street.”

"Is Jerry Angelo running this team again?" said Richard Garcia, a security guard for the airport. "The only good thing about Tebow is the Bears would be the lead story on every SportsCenter."

In trade, Ricketts offered a $10 million contribution to Emanuel’s 2016 presidential campaign and a one-way ticket to a location of his choice outside the United States for Alderman Tom Tunney.