Chicago

"The doctor told me I have 'Rosenesia' and that it's very minor, and I shouldn't worry about it, so I'll just focus on the fact that the Bulls are going to be back on top of the league with Rose back in MVP form. Have you seen him lately? He's just crushing it right now! Go Bulls!"

Long a target of fan ire, Bears QB Jay Cutler is again in the cross hairs. This time though, it's not for perceived frailty, but for potentially being too resilient after word broke that he may be back as soon as Nov. 10 from his recent groin injury.

Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

"We will make sure to replay and over-analyze the Bulls and Heat game so much over the next 24 hours that no fan will be left wanting more, and in fact, all fans of sport everywhere will be desperately begging for us to talk about something other than that three minutes LeBron had to play without his headband on."

“I have to give the boys credit. They really pulled it off,” Ricketts mused. “Next year, I might dress as a magician and make them disappear.”

“I told coaches, players and staff to make sure they didn’t leave town during the bye week,” team Chairman George McCaskey told a local radio station. "We spent the entire time off trying to access the website; then, bingo, we finally got in.”

“We’ll start with 64 contestants. That doesn’t include the 40 or so we’ve interviewed so far,” GM Jed Hoyer said in a team press release. “God knows, we can’t figure it out on our own, so let’s take it to the fans.”