As the NBA Champion Miami Heat open their season against former-MVP Derrick Rose and the Chicago Bulls, ESPN has promised its viewers that they will overreact to the outcome in such a way as to make any and all pertinent sports stories will be unreadable for the white noise of Bulls and Heat coverage.  ESPN has announced they will do everything in their power to cover every pointless, overwrought angle they can find, whether it’s taking the outcome of a single game at the beginning of the season between two presumed contenders and somehow jumping to a conclusion that it will in any away affect the outcome of the 2014 NBA finals, or just simply looking at Lebron James’ byline as a way to either justify or condemn his popularity.

ESPN’s President John Skipper released a statement assuring fans of the network, “We will make sure to replay and over-analyze the Bulls and Heat game so much over the next 24 hours that no fan will be left wanting more, and in fact, all fans of sport everywhere will be desperately begging for us to talk about something other than that three minutes LeBron had to play without his headband on.”

As soon as every possible take on the game has been covered, ESPN announced that it will return to it’s regular scheduled programming of Top 10 countdowns, questionably informed fantasy football advice, and speculation regarding Brett Favre coming out of retirement.

By Jeff GoodSmith

Jeff GoodSmith