Carl Weathers, master thespian and former Oakland Raider, watches every NFL game from his man cave to compile his weekly Power Rankings exclusively for Heckler readers. Despite playing in only 8 NFL games, he was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1980.

10 – Detroit Lions Calvin Johnson, Motown Megatron: 329 rec. yards/TD. Dez Bryant, Dallas Motor Mouth: 72 rec. yards/2 TD. Dez, might need to keep that yap shut. CJ takes this week’s Master of Disaster in 31-30 Lion last-second win over Big D.
9 – Cincinnati Bengals Welcome to the Jungle, Jets! Midway through the 49-9 thrashing by the Bengals, N.Y. coach Rex Ryan was already making new foot fetish videos. Marvin Jones leads Cincy with 4 TD catches.
8 – San Francisco 49ers London Mauling! Jolly old fellow Colin Kaepernick fiddle-daddies for 3 TDs (2 rush, 1 pass) and also scores 3 goals for Man U in silly game played in London. Niners 42, Jax 10.
7 – New England Patriots Panic in Patriot Park! Despite methodical 27-17 win over Miami, New England fretting about Tom Brady’s decline (2 TD passes the past month). Giselle has him sleeping on the couch.
6 – New Orleans Saints Jimmy Graham’s face comes off the missing tight end milk carton, catching 2 of 5 TD passes thrown by Drew Brees in 35-17 bludgeoning of Buffalo.
5 – Indy Colts (bye) Andrew Luck spends week off throwing footballs through swinging tire from 800 yards away.
4 – Kansas City Chiefs Good week to be a Chief. My boy Chief Keef out of the pokey and K.C. bastes a beautiful BBQ Browns brisket 23-17. “Admiral” Alex Smith throws his first 2 TD strikes in a month.
3 – Seattle ‘Hawks The 14-9 score does not truly illustrate how poorly played this game was, like a 3 ½ hour NFL Films Football Follies tape. Russell Wilson tosses 2 TD passes.
2 – Denver Broncos Broncs trail by 14 late in 3rd but go on a 38-0 run to finish the game, humiliating Washington so dominantly they change their nickname to from Redskins to Losers on flight home. Peyton tosses 4 TD strikes.
1 – Oakland Raiders Back in Black, Silver Attack!!!! Raiders crumple the Steel Curtain 21-18 behind a QB record 93-yard TD run by T. Pryor and 2 TDs from Darren McFadden.

Program note – The November 3rd edition of the untelevised NFL pregame show starring myself and Marv Levy (sponsored by Gold Bond Medicated Powder & Bubble Yum) features a game of two-hand touch between the undefeated 17-0 1972 Miami Dolphins vs. the ‘feated 0-16 2008 Detroit Lions (Dolphins by 3.5) as well as Marv putting on the white lab coat and breaking out his microscope to explain the MRSA virus that has stricken the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Patrick O. Elia