Kristin Cavallari awarded honorary doctorate by Barnum and Bailey Clown College
“We are awarding Kristin this degree for her ability to play the faux-brainiac,” said college director Bobo the Hobo. “The depth of her make-believe knowledge is unmatched. She has pretended to read many comically oversized books.”
NFC North GM’s unaware they can sign free agents from outside division
"Unfortunately league rule prohibit us from signing free agents outside the NFC North," said Bears GM Phil Emery. "I've not actually seen this rule, but since teams in our division are only signing free agents from other teams in this division it has to be the case."
Konerko joins American Association of Retired Pauls
"By joining AARP, I get the same discounts at Denny's, Jewel-Osco and other local businesses that people like Paul Molitor and Paul Simon get."
Epstein guarantees Cubs will win 90 games over next two seasons
"Maybe we win 60 this year and 30 next season, or maybe it's 40 and then 50. I feel extremely secure in the statement that the Cubs will rack up 90 victories between 2014 and 2015."
Paul George plays entire game without impregnating stripper or taking pics of his junk
Pacers guard/forward Paul George managed to play a complete game Monday night against the Bulls without taking a single photo of his genitals or impregnating a stripper. Both exercises in self control represent a season-high for the young star.
‘That One Time Shawon Dunston Didn’t Swing at a Two-Strike Pitch in the Dirt’...
“I remember it well,” Dunston told Cubs.com. “It was against the Mets in 1986. Doc Gooden struck me out swinging three times that day and I was determined not to do it again.”
Giggling Kane to sit out remainder of season to ensure he plays in 69...
"Sure, it's always been a dream of mine to have the number, heh heh, 69 appear in my stat sheet at the end of an NHL season, ever since I was in high school."
