Cubs

"Come on, Bud, send them back where they belong!" Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts shouted while pounding on Commissioner Bud Selig's office door. "Please, please, PLEASE! I'll be your friend since I know you don't have any!" Ricketts pleaded as Selig hid under the desk in his locked, darkened office.

After finding themselves in the middle of the pack in most statistical categories through the first three weeks of the season, the Cubs today announced the hiring of the dad who can't throw in that Volkswagen commercial as their new pitching coach.

Cubs’ closer-in-waiting Kevin Gregg needs your help, so the organization, “Friends of Kevin Gregg,” which will hold a fund-raiser to offset travel costs for the pitcher’s Greyhound bus trip from Des Moines after he was recently called up from Triple-A Iowa.

It has been well documented that Starling Castro has a bit of a problem paying attention during games. On more than one occasion, Castro has been caught with his back to the plate while an opposing player hits. But in Wednesday afternoon against the Reds, the young player's inability to pay attention reached new lows.

Any optimism after an encouraging previous week was washed away by rain, errors and unearned runs. Despite the return of 2012 Gold Glove winner Darwin Barney the defense actually got worse.

To participate in the contest, which will take place during a yet-to-be named game this summer, fans will pay $20 per entry for a chance at the shoot. For their effort, the winner receives a bounty for each seagull of one free upper deck reserved seat for a weekday game in September, and a bison dog.

"Some of the guys I'd rather have on my roster than Valbuena are actually dead and they'll still do less damage to a fantasy roster than Valbuena.," said one fantasy expert. "He's just that bad."