Cubs

Seeking seasonal employee for fun-filled position in the exciting world of “professional” baseball; the ideal applicant has a working knowledge of baseball and, preferably, played the game through at least Pony League. Those applying must have prior experience in child-care and in working with classic underachievers.

"The Cubs could've waited to announce it on my radio show just like when the Bears fired Lovie [Smith] while I was on the air," said Cutler. "That way, it would give me less time to talk about how my teammates, I mean, how I stunk up the joint against Detroit."

Dale Sveum has been fired after two dismal years at the helm of the Cubs. This year's team went 66-96, and team president Theo Epstein said a better manager would have had different results.

"The errors, the disastrous draft picks, the overpriced big name signings ... this team has it all," said Gilligan. "Much like Walter White destroys everyone in his path, so too do the Cubs lay waste to an entire half of Chicago."

We are close, very close. We will be winning very soon," said an excited Sveum. "All we need from the front office is two or three starting pitchers, four or five good bullpen guys ... we could use a second baseman who can hit ... a third baseman ..."

The 49-year-old actor, who has never played baseball and has publicly stated he has no knowledge of the sport, was chosen among a short list of candidates primarily due to his gripping performance in the 2011 hit film, Moneyball.

"They knew the clinched the East halfway through our game," said Cubs manager Dale Sveum. "It's bush league to have a big celebration on our field an hour after that when they finally beat us."