Cubs

An endless stash of cold Old Style inside a refrigerator hidden behind a secret moving wall in the Cubs' marketing offices was partially to blame for the errors made on the mural commemorating the club's 100th anniversary, team officials said.

Cubs GM Jed Hoyer was so impressed by the work Babe Ruth's 97-year-old daughter Julia Ruth Stevens did throwing out the first pitch at Wrigley Field on Friday, he immediately talked Theo Epstein in to signing her to be the new closer. Ruth Stevens was in town to help commemorate her father's famous "called shot" home run that helped crush the Cubs 1932 World Series dreams. The encounter could be just the thing the Cubs needed to solidify their incredibly sketchy closer's role.

Still hoping to sign their star pitcher to a long-term contract, the Cubs are claiming a lack of the cash needed to do so. Rather than open up their own wallet, the team is turning to crowd-funding website Kickstarter to raise the money needed to re-sign Samardzjia.

Major League Baseball has indefinitely suspended every Cubs position player for suspected PED use after the club exploded for a season-high 17 runs in a rout of the Cardinals last night in St. Louis.

In the fifth inning of Wednesday night's loss to the White Sox, Ricky Renteria came out of the dugout to argue a ball-and-strike call, but suddenly changed his mind while confronting home plate umpire Tom Woodring.

If the suit is successful, challenges would not be limited to events on the field. Vendor actions such as selling cold hot dogs, beer “short-pours” and “pocketing the change” would also become reviewable.

In just a short amount of time, the former A.L. Rookie of the Year has gone from swinging the lumber with the Diamondbacks to enjoying six lunches per day in retirement.