Eric Hinske, the bearded blob coaching first base for the Cubs, was an active major league player. In just a short amount of time, the former A.L. Rookie of the Year has gone from swinging the lumber with the Diamondbacks to enjoying six lunches per day in retirement.

Cubs’ front office personnel are not only fearful of skyrocketing pre-game buffet costs but also for the safety of their players.

“Rizzo showed up a couple minutes late the other day, and I was frantically looking all over the ballpark for him,” said President Theo Epstein. “I feared Hinske had swallowed him whole.”

Two former Cubs players, Ryan Theriot and Mike Fontenot, recently paid a visit to the Cubs clubhouse, only to never be seen or heard from again after speaking to Hinske.

When reached for comment about the incident, Hinske was found asleep in a hammock underneath the left field bleachers.

Jeremy Barewin