Cubs GM Jed Hoyer was so impressed by the work Babe Ruth’s 97-year-old daughter Julia Ruth Stevens did throwing out the first pitch at Wrigley Field on Friday, he immediately talked Theo Epstein in to signing her to be the new closer. Ruth Stevens was in town to help commemorate her father’s famous “called shot” home run that helped crush the Cubs 1932 World Series dreams. The encounter could be just the thing the Cubs needed to solidify their incredibly sketchy closer’s role.

“I liked what I saw from Julia on Friday. She’s got a wicked two-handed 15 MPH bouncing sinker that I think batters will have trouble hitting in the ninth inning,” Hoyer said. “She’s got closer’s stuff and we think this could be the answer. People concerned about her durability should think about the fact that Cubs closers get to work 1 day a week at best.”

Epstein echoed Hoyer’s sentiments, claiming, “Having Julia Ruth Stevens’ veteran presence in the clubhouse is going to be great for this young team. She’s one of the few people alive that can actually remember the Cubs appearing in the World Series, so that’s got to count for something. We’ve also hired her son to assist her to the mound for every appearance and help her remain vertical. He’s such a nice boy.”

To make room on the roster for Ruth Stevens, Carlos Villanueva was designated for assignment because he clearly is not good enough to be on the team ahead of a 97-year-old.

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