Major League Baseball has indefinitely suspended every Cubs position player for suspected PED use after the club exploded for a season-high 17 runs in a rout of the Cardinals last night in St. Louis. Despite having no physical evidence of foul play the league noted the performance deviated so drastically from the North Siders’ normal production so far this season that something had to be wrong. Commissioner Alan “Bud” Selig exercised a super-secret emergency rules override clause to circumvent the standard PED suspension procedures established by the league and banned the little bears.
“I mean really, this team just scored four runs in three games in a sweep by the Braves,” said Selig. “Their manager had been throwing them pizza parties at Chuck E. Cheese after games where they scored three runs, absolutely pathetic. And then, last night, they put up two touchdowns and a field goal against a superb Cardinals staff? Fishy! I had to prohibit them from competition until we can confirm cheating but to me there’s no doubt in my mind, hence the emergency ban.”
To gain perspective on the offensive explosion the 17 runs are two more than the team has scored in the eight games started this season by Jeff Samardzija. Darwin Barney, he of the .100 or so season average, collected three of the team’s season high 20 hits while Junior Lake knocked in six runs (Cubs radio broadcaster Pat Hughes noted he looked so much bigger since the series in Atlanta concluded he should be called “Senior Lake”). Hughes also said he became a little suspicious when the players, instead of taking the team plane, grabbed all their equipment and jumped like giant bullfrogs from Atlanta to St. Louis in about 45 minutes.
Until the situation is resolved the Cubs announced they will be using a mix of Triple-A Iowa players and 16-inch softball players to fill in for the big league regulars.