Cubs

“This will kill two birds, or perhaps better stated, two seagulls with one stone,” said Crane Kenney, Cubs President of Business Operations. “First off, we won’t have to remove any bricks from this historic landmark, and secondly, our relief pitchers will most likely never make an appearance ever again.”

"We have come to the realization that the league's approach to banned substances was all backwards," Epstein told reporters. "The problem was not the 'rogue abuser' but the 'goody two-shoes' holdouts who refused to dope. PEDs are a powerful tool, and they are going to power us all the way to the World Series."

With only minimal time to brush up on his spelling skills, the Yale alumnus is training for the Spelling Bee furiously. Part of Epstein's training regiment includes making a spelling wall on the team’s unused whiteboard for mid-season playoff acquisitions.

Cubs President Theo Epstein said fans shouldn't worry, assuring them that everything is coming along to his plan.

The Iowa Cubs have announced their first Manny Ramirez promotion, hiring the Cubs have decided to give all players on their Triple-A farm team a bobblehead PED dispenser with Manny’s likeness

Acknowledging Ramirez' checkered past, Epstein said, "He has made real mistakes. While he has improved his behavior, we think bringing in Curt to shadow Manny is a pretty good idea."

Ricketts didn't refer to the destruction behind him, but the message was clear: no more Mr. Nice Guy.