Cubs

It's not even been six months since Theo Epstein took over as the president of the Cubs, but he's already aged at least a decade, as this exclusive photo indicates. Click on the image for a larger, more depressing version.

The power of the new regime at Wrigley Field was on full display Monday night after new Cubs GM Jed Hoyer used his mastery of the Force to angrily choke Cubs President of Business Operations Crane Kenney.

Team up with The Heckler to watch the North Siders battle the hated Brewers and Ryan "The Testosterone Man" Braun Monday, April 9 at the Friendly Confines. A Cubs game and a kick-ass pre-party are the perfect recipe for a great time!

The plan is to carry the game until these players step onto the rubber, at which point WGN will then cut to women in low-cut tops, celebrities or a Cusack or two. If the inning looks to last longer than 30 minutes, the station will show old episodes of According to Jim to induce the depression felt as if you were actually watching the game.

“We all have to bear this time of transition together,” said Ricketts. “Also, to be clear, he’s only getting the names of Cubs fans we haven’t already sold to advertisers. Ten-thousand of you are named ‘Reebok’ now, by the way.”

At Thursday's opener at Wrigley, Cubs fans were disappointed they did not see the unveiling of a 2012 World Series banner after this winter's popular and authentic-feeling "MLB the Show" TV ad that depicted the Cubs winning the World Series.

In an effort to save as much money as possible in light of recently announced Wrigley Field renovation plans, the Cubs opted to forgo the traditional yet very costly Blue Angel flyover during Thursday’s Opening Day ceremonies. Instead, in a nod to current events, following the National Anthem there was a series of drive-by shootings at the corner of Addison and Clark.