The power of the new regime at Wrigley Field was on full display Monday night after new Cubs GM Jed Hoyer used his mastery of the Force to angrily choke Cubs President of Business Operations Crane Kenney.
Hoyer is considered by many baseball insiders to be the “Darth Vader” to Theo Epstein’s “Emperor.” Apparently, on Monday night, he showed exactly how close to the point folks really are in their thinking.
Reportedly, Hoyer began fuming after watching newly acquired bullpen pitcher Shawn Camp belly over and hand the game to the Brewers in the middle innings of the contest. Hoyer left his seat and began stomping through the concourse at Wrigley.
Unfortunately, Kenney happened to be walking by, whistling and eating a bison dog.
In an exhibit of skills which could only be owned by a Sith lord, the furious Hoyer lifted his right hand and pressed his index finger toward his thumb while staring at a presumably innocent Kenney. In a matter of seconds Kenney’s body crumpled to the ground, along with his overpriced concessions.
“President Kenney is a clumsy as he is stupid,” Hoyer stated. “Who the hell can whistle and eat a bison dog when we suck so bad and it’s 42 degrees outside?”
As a team of white clad ushers scurried to transfer Kenney’s body from the Friendly Confines, Hoyer attempted to put a positive spin on his tirade. Hoyer referenced the new Cubs tag line this year, but added his own personal twist.
“Baseball is better … when you eliminate weak links in the management chain.”
Epstein was unavailable for comment, but team officials informed the press that he would be available when he returned from his scouting trip to Alderaan.