Cubs

Hysteria over this weekend's NATO conference in Chicago reached new heights Friday morning when a Wrigleyville pregame party was broken up by cops who mistook visiting White Sox fans for rough-around-the-edges NATO protesters.

Dozens of packed buses started to make their way into town Wednesday night; from Tinley Park to Evanston, Kankakee to Kenilworth, activists are geared up to let the leaders of these two teams know what they want.

The Lottery launched its latest ploy of preying on loyal Chicago baseball fans by introducing Cubs and White Sox instant tickets. But, those playing may not realize that each ticket is inherently an “instant loser” with a faint glimmer of hope.

"I've got to replace the current bullpen with one that doesn't suck," said Epstein. "Pretty much everyone's got to go. Maybe we can put them on the DL with a phantom injury like we did Marmol?

"I was trying to warm up a lefty in case coach wanted to play the match-up," said Randy Renfro, the bullpen catcher for the Atlanta Braves. "But I couldn't concentrate once I saw that they were playing an old episode of Family Ties. I just love Michael J. Fox. And that guy who played Skippy? What a dork!"

In lieu of Wrigley Field, what some consider the most beautiful baseball structure erected in the history of the game, the Wall Street Journal article suggested putting in yacht storage, a cufflinks factory, fur coat warehousing or a Tommy Bahama megastore.

Having not been relevant since 1993, and still subscribing to the notion that people actually care what the mouthpiece of a corrupt corporate parent company prints, The Wall Street Journal must at long last contemplate the only thing that can restore the venerable news institution to its former glory: destroying its headquarters.