Moments after the Cubs bullpen let a close game get completely out of hand in Wednesday night’s 9-2 loss to the Phillies, team president Theo Epstein hatched a new plan.

“I’ve got to replace the current bullpen with one that doesn’t suck,” said Epstein. “Pretty much everyone’s got to go. Worst case, maybe we can put them on the DL with a phantom injury like we did Marmol?”