After being caught by his mother, John Harbaugh admitted in a press conference that he and his brother, Jim, switched places at the beginning of the season.
"Wouldn't you know it?" said the law enforcement agent. "I double checked and the Ray Rice DVD was in my Spider-Man 2 Blu-Ray sleeve the whole time. I must have sent the wrong one. Man, this is embarrassing."
"This terrible situation has taught me a very valuable lesson," said Rice. "Never, ever hit your wife in a place where there could be security cameras recording your actions for all the world to see."
"This job was meant for me! Praise be to God!" said an elated Lewis. "I'm not even Catholic ... Hallowed be thy name! But I'm sure that the Cardinals will overlook any sketchy situations I've been in over the course of my life. Hallelujah! God is good! God. God. Jesus. God. God!"
“I was only trying to get my souvenir shopping done and out of the way early,” claims the former starting QB.
Play along at home as the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens clash to settle once and for all which Harbaugh brother gets the top bunk. Click the image to view a larger, printer-friendly version of the game board.
"With the popularity of Kaepernicking and the sheer volume of customers that come through here during game week, we could be looking at a few grand a night for simply kissing a guy's bicep tattoo. The price is actually triple if the tattoo is located anywhere besides the bicep."