As the coronavirus continues to plunge society into a dark hole of hopelessness, loss of purpose and just a smidge of Darwinism, baseball players are also feeling the ramifications of unemployment, made worse as they spiral into bouts of existential crises from not being able to spit.

“I saw the Korean baseball players aren’t allowed to spit and that has me shook,” said former Cubs skipper and the antithesis of social distancing from umpires Lou Pinella. “Whether it be tobacco, sunflower seeds or just a good old fashioned lugee in an umpire’s face, baseball players were born to spit. If we’re not spitting, we don’t know who we are anymore.”

Although understanding the sanitary necessity of not spitting, players league-wide have been struggling to find suitable alternatives. Position players have resorted to brushing their teeth and rinsing with Listerine upwards of 10 times a day, just “to feel alive again” while pitchers have taken to reading books and licking their fingers before turning each page.

If there is a silver lining to be found through all of this for MLB players, it’s that they are still free, if not downright encouraged, to adjust their crotch as often as they like.

Shingo TaCatsu